The Bachelor Recap: I Love You Two 

(Full disclosure, I may have stolen this title from the Entertainment Weekly review but it was too good not to use!)

Up until this point Ben has accomplished what few past Bachelors have accomplished, not being an ass. From Juan Pablo’s “ees okay” to Brad Womack refusing to choose either girl-The Bachelor usually turns out to be a jerk. Sean Lowe aside, most of these guys show their worst relationship issues and we realize why they were single in the first place. But Ben really stepped in it tonight, I’m not sure who is going to kill him first, Chris Harrison or JoJo’s brothers.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We begin with an introduction to our fantasy suite destination: Jamacia. The land of tiny braids and Bob Marley references. It’s also the most romantic place ever, says Ben after saying that about literally every other location on the show. He also says it’s the perfect place to do romantic things, and that is our first vague reference to sex of the night, there are plenty more where that came from.

Calia has the first date, and while she is happy and bubbly, Ben still isn’t sure she can feel emotion (is she a robot?) and he needs her to open up. The stress is getting to Calia, she forgets her shirt, poor girl. Ben takes her on a creepy wooden raft ride down a disgusting river with a scary man guiding them. I’m not sure if he’s trying to date her or kill her.

Calia is quiet. So is Ben. They don’t speak and we can all feel the awkwardness  through the TV. It’s really creepy and boring. At dinner Calia decides she better bring back the peppy so she jumps Ben in perfect #sexpanther fashion. Ben tells her that he knows she was upset and Calia is thrilled that he noticed (and I die a little on the inside). 

Calia tells Ben she loves him, he smiles and kisses her but doesn’t reciprocate because this is The Bachelor, he has a co react, THERE ARE RULES. That’s ok with Calia though, she knows Ben loves her by the way they take deep breaths together? Ben takes out his handy dandy fantasy suite card and Calia calls him a “sly fox” because you know it’s not like they do this every year or anything. Before they embark on the fantasy suite they get in the ocean for their own firework show, gotta love an ABC budget.

The next morning we see Ben and Calia together in bed, just in case we didn’t get the picture. Ben says he could imagine waking up next to Calia forever. She gives him one last “I love you” before she scampers off to the woodland forest she came from.

Next up is Lauren. Ben is head over heels for Lauren but he needs her to tell him the magic words so he can wrap up his own insecurity. This is the date of the hideous shorts. Ben appears in an awful patterned pair of swimming trunks and Lauren’s shorts are so short that I think she confused them with underwear. They meet up on the beach and Ben takes Lauren to the best date ever: releasing baby sea turtles into the ocean. I would love anyone who gave me this opportunity too.

With the assistance of Mel, a handsome man with an English accent they realize the turtles and watch them make their way to the ocean. As if that wasn’t enough, there is a double rainbow, game over. Thanks for playing JoJo and Calia.

At dinner Ben admits that he thinks Lauren is too good for him and tells her that he cried to her sister. Lauren tells Ben she is in love with him and Ben tells her that he’s known for a long time that he is in love with her. BEN YOU ARENT ALLOWED TO DO THAT!

Of course they make it to the fantasy suite which they both believe is just what their relationship needed….ok sure. The next morning Lauren gets breakfast so again-front runner. She claims she got more than expected, take that as you will. And after they trade “I love you’s” she is off.

And last but certainly not least, JoJo. Ben realizes that he loves Lauren and if he doesn’t know that he loves JoJo by the end of the day, she has to go. Seems like a tall hill to climb, especially with those goon brothers. But then I remember, she’s JoJo, she’s super hot.

Ben whisks JoJo onto a helicopter ride to a waterfall. It’s safe to say that Calia got the worst date of the week. JoJo appears in the smallest bikini I’ve ever seen and yes, I’m sure Ben is in love, at least some parts of him are. At dinner they discuss her brothers to which JoJo apologizes but assures that they would get over it, not too sure on that one. Then she drops the L word and then so does Ben. JoJo is shocked and asks if he is allowed to do that. NO HE IS NOT!

They end the night in a private hot tub in the fantasy suite and Ben is in a bit of a pickle but he will deal with that at a later time. The next morning after JoJo leaves, Ben realizes the obvious, the only girl he didn’t drop the l bomb on was Calia. So she needs to go.

Luckily, the producers have convinced Calia to go surprise Ben. Clad in a sports bra and black 90s-esque skirt, she sneaks up on Ben and he’s not amused. But perfect opportunity to dump the poor girl. So he tells her that he loves two girls and that he just couldn’t say that to her. Sucker punch right to the gut. Calia goes from cute to sassy and immediately closes off and calls him out on saying things that sound like lines. He tells her he will miss her, Calia jumps into her limo and then back out to ask when he knew. He seems to talk his way around it and Calia is gone.

We still have 15 minutes so Lauren and JoJo arrive for the rose ceremony. They each talk to Chris (separately) and tell him that Ben told them he loved them. Chris is horrible at hiding his emotions, we can tell he is horrified. Someone will be getting a lecture later.

We get the suspense of watching both girls talk and wondering if either one will reveal that Ben dropped the L word. But Ben arrives before that happens. He explains that he liked Calia but his feelings weren’t there and then gives roses to his remaining ladies. They do an awkward polygamist group hug and a round of competitive toasting to close out the episode. Ben has officially entered jerk territory.

Next week, my favorite, Thw Women Tell All! 



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