Is it May already? It felt like just yesterday when Ben told his final two ladies that he loved them and then promptly blindsided poor JoJo. But that was so two months ago and now JoJo is so ready to find love. She’s obviously ready to find it while laughing manically on a rock in the ocean, so she’s clearly mentally stable too!
We are given a good recap of JoJo’s failed quest for love with Ben and remember some facts about her that we had forgotten, mainly that her name is actually Joelle and she did show up on Ben’s season wearing a unicorn mask 🦄. Her psychopath brothers quickly wiped out that moment to take the crazy cake. But what else about JoJo? She lives in Dallas, too close to her family, and she’s a real estate agent. I’m about to fall asleep.
Luckily ABC brings back 3 past Bachelorettes to give advice to JoJo. Because these advice sessions are always so important. Kaitlyn, Ali and Desiree return and tell her that she defines has to start kissing them right away but as Desiree says “stay open” (when your true love Brooks walks off the show, you’ll have to pick someone else) and Ali says to look past physical appearance (Roberto was perfect in every way Ali and Bachelor Nation is still upset), and Kaitlyn giggles. As we know Kaitlyn zeroed in on Shawn from the beginning and it had a lot to do with why she picked him, so JoJo there ain’t no rules!
Let’s look at these guys, shall we? Grant is a firefighter who runs around in his suit all the time in case a spontaneous blaze breaks out. Daniel is Canadian…more on that later. Alex has a twin who is married and he’s super jealous. Luke is Chris Soules 2.0. We have a Bachelor Super Fan (sorry I forgot your name). Evan is an ex-pastor turned erectile dysfunction specialist (he’s shown carrying a scary needle 💉). And of course Jordan, Aaron Rodgers younger brother.
When the limos start arriving we have no shortage of bad entrances. Jordan gives JoJo false hope by showing up first and blowing her away. Then we have winners like Grant who tell her that he promises not to fall in love with two women, which is great since SHES THE ONLY WOMAN THERE. Robby brings a bottle of wine that they both drink straight from the bottle which I appreciate. Ali acts like he’s never seen a girl before. And a fair amount try jokes that all fall flat. Jonathan shows up in a kilt and claims he’s “Scottish below the waste” and shares that he isn’t wearing underwear. Chad is a close talker and pissed off at all of these gimics. Brandon the hipster seems to have gotten in the wrong Uber. And James Taylor walks up singing and playing the guitar because why wouldn’t he?
Just when you think you’ve had enough Santa arrives, saying “Jo Jo like HoHo”. And Luke rides in on poor Coconut with a horn attached to his head to make sure we have enough ridiculousness.
Alex the Marine is first to steal JoJo and he ends up doing push-ups with her sitting on his back. And angry Chad proclaims that any guys should be able to do that. Is there a Man Guide to Life I need to be in possession of? After a few lackluster conversations, JoJo begins to wonder if this won’t work. But Jordan saves the day. If anyone gets a knight and shining armor edit, it’s this guy. They have a great talk but even with JoJo shoving her boobs at him, he doesn’t kiss her.
She ends up hanging with Civil Engineer Will who I have to root for because of my own Civil Engineer-but he isn’t making it easy. After a lame joke out of the limo, he continues to fall with his cootie catcher gimmick. He tries to kiss her and fails miserably. JoJo even says she hopes that gets better. Well cue the music because in comes Jordan to take her away and kiss her. Her reaction? She needs to start doing squats because he has such a fine ass.
Even after good interactions with Santa, Grant, Christian, and Wells-the first impression rise of course goes to Jordan. But superfan points out that Olivia got the first impression rose but ended up on an island, stay positive boys. As the night goes on the boys get drinker. Especially Daniel.
Canadian Daniel pokes guys in their belly buttons (which is apparently a mortal sin) and ends up in a speedo. After taking a dive in the pool he tried to explain to JoJo his joke from his entrance in which he tried to parody the Damn Daniel video, she still doesn’t get it so he insults her lack of Internet knowledge. He isn’t the only one, two guys crash her interview with producers to “steal” her, doesn’t work that way boys.
Chris Harrison appears to end the party by pulling JoJo away. Just as she’s about to start calling names she gets interrupted, by who? Jake Pavelka of course. Bachelor Jake the first “fame whore” contestant who had America’s love when he began his “journey” now ranks as one of the most hated following his public feud with his ex-fiancé Vienna. The boys have to ask superfan who he is which makes me giddy, Jake=irrelevant. We wait for his older to vye for her love but turns out he is a family friend who flew all the way in to give advice. Bad advice from a horrible Bachelor. Thanks Jake, please exit stage left.
The rose ceremony resumes, Daniel stays as does future villain Chad and adorable Will. The only notable goodbye is to Jonathan in the kilt.
The preview promises tears, kissing, and bloodshed! What a season it shall be! See you soon Bachelor Nation!
Win Pick: Jordan Rodgers
Honorable Mention: Wells
Next Bachelor: Derek