Somehow we survived the week off without The Bachelorette. Finally, the NBA Finals are over and we will no longer be rudely interrupted by sports. In case you somehow forgot, when we last checked in with JoJo and her suitors, she had just given Chad the boot. Instead of getting into the black SUV to do his exit interview, Chad is meandering through the dark woods while whistling like a psychopath. We pick up at the house where the guys are celebrating his demise. After a round of Fireball shots they have funeral for his protein powder. I’m not kidding. Wells puts his creativity to work as he eulogizes Chad as the worst person he’s ever met. All the guys take a handful of protein powder and throw it in the air and then Wells drop kicks the tub into the woods. But there is a knock on the door. And of course it’s Chad. The guys know that if he finds out what they did to his protein powder, he is going to be pissed. It’s fine, just don’t open the door. Except dumb Daniel, Mussolini Daniel, opens the door. He asks Chad how his date went, because you know small talk. Chad tells them that Alex sold him out and once again explains that violence is the only answer to solve problems and he just doesn’t understand why the guys don’t get that. Evan still wants his damn shirt, but don’t worry a Kickstarter has raised $50 for Evan’s shirt so all is good. Jordan shakes his hand and Chad attempts to break it? But all in all it’s pretty tame and Chad goes spinning out the door and right into Bachelor in Paradise. Oh yes. You knew that wasn’t the end of Chad.
When Alex returns he is given a hero’s welcome. They cheer, pick him up, smash cupcakes in his face and light sparklers inside a house. Grant the firefighter, I’m appalled. I’m sure this won’t give Alex a big head or a hero complex or anything. I’m sure he totally realizes the absurdity…right? Well believe it or not it’s Rose Ceremony Time. And the guys quickly realize that without the common enemy of Chad, they will start turning on each other. Guys with roses keep stealing JoJo from guys without roses. Evan whines. A lot. Jordan shoves her against a wall, shoving his tongue down her throat with all the guys on the other side of the wall. James F (yeah I don’t know who he is either) reads her a horrific poem and finally it is rose time. This time Daniel and James F get the boot. Daniel says she must have decided based on personality because he has none but he has a great body. He also says that he had a better chance of being hit by lightning while shaving his face rather than JoJo falling in love with him. Well it’s time to get out of Pennsylvania, Thank God. And next up is Uruguay. That’s in South America, just so we’re all clear. And none of the guys know what Uruguay is.
When they arrive, Jordan is given the first one-on-one date. Because of this one fact, the guys decide that he is shady and isn’t here for the right reasons. How do they know, they just know. On the date they go play with some seals and make out on a boat. Back at the house Vinny is cutting hair, which is frightening. Magically the guys get ahold of In Touch Weekly which has an exclusive with JoJo’s ex, Chad. The contestants on The Bachelor and Bachelorette are stripped of all phones, computers, books, magazines, and newspapers. So this just popping up was clearly a producer plant. In the article Chad claims that JoJo is still in love with him, she went back to him after Ben dumped her and was only on the show to get publicity. And with a credible source like In Touch, you have to believe it of course. Suddenly all the guys aren’t quite sure if JoJo is there for them.
Back on the date JoJo has her own questions about Jordan’s ex. She ran into her before the show (there is a lot of speculation on how she met her) and spoke to her about Jordan. She claims he “wasn’t a very good boyfriend” as JoJo called it. Jordan looks like he is about to vomit. He explains that he wasn’t the best boyfriend because he was so focused on his career. He claims he didn’t “physically cheat” and says he will do better and that is more than enough for JoJo. In a shock to no one, Jordan gets the rose.J
Back at the house the guys fill Jordan in on the magazine article. JoJo is in her interview when a producer hands her the magazine. She first tries to shove it off in perfect celebrity form but the producer is insistent. He/she says the guys have seen it and they are upset. JoJo reads it and immediately breaks into tears and begins yelling about how much she hates him.
She goes to the guys’ hotel room and cries some more giving some sort of explanation that we don’t hear. All the guys immediately back off their suspicions because you know tears are no match for these men. In conclusion, don’t name your child Chad.
The next day is the group date, and it’s sand boarding. Everyone sucks at it but luckily it starts to rain so they can get inside and actually talk. Derek pulls JoJo aside and says he would like some reassurance, it had been a long time since their one-on-one date and he hadn’t been able to spend much time with her. She gives him the group date rose and says it’s because she wants him to have reassurance. Well Alex loses it over this. He can’t believe Derek would be a “sensitive little bitch” and if he doesn’t get a rose because Derek got a “pity rose” it would be stupid.
Back at the house Alex is relentless on Derek. Chase joins in on how JoJo doesn’t want an insecure guy, because you know they know what she wants. The other one-on-one date goes to Robby. Robby has some bright clothes and some bright swimming trunks. They do some cliff jumping and Robby tells JoJo he loves her. Week 5, firs one on one. JoJo gives him a “thank you, that’s so sweet” code word: no. We also get Robby’s past story. His childhood best friend was killed in a car accident last year and that made him realize life is short (blah, blah) so he quit his job, moved, and broke up with his girlfriend. It may sound romantic, but word on Twitter is that he actually broke up with this girlfriend by ghosting as he went to be on The Bachelorette. So there’s that. He gets the rose.
Before the rose ceremony Derek pulls aside the guys that are ganging up on him, including Alex to ask them nicely to lay off. They angrily tell him that he is wasting their time to be with JoJo, which is false because she isn’t there. It feels like Chad is back, in the form of Alex as the continue to belittle Derek on his sensitivity.
Chris announces that there will not be a cocktail party and JoJo knows who she wants. This week she lets go of Evan and Vinny. Bye bad haircuts and bloody noses.
Until Next Time….