2016 is over and we have a brand new Bachelor! And finally a Bachelor Fantasy League! (Join my league, Here for the Rose, password: Harrison).Ok, brand new isn’t the best term to describe good ole Nick Viall. In fact, he is a downright veteran of the franchise – making his FOURTH appearance on a Bachelor franchise show. You remember Nick, the seemingly smug guy who wore a variety of scarves and ousted his sexual encounter on After the Final Rose on Andi Dorfman’s season. Or as the guy who popped into Kaitlin’s season of the Bachelorette to be referred to as “the other guy” or my personal favorite “Viall’s gotta Vill”. And finally, how could we forget Nick on Bachelor in Paradise losing Amanda to evil Josh Murray and breaking Jen’s heart because he got a better offer? He’s back!
Love or hate Nick, we all knew this was going to be interesting. We start off with Nick listing off his faults and recounting his failed television relationships. But he’s a new man, his abs and beard prove it. This isn’t Andi Dorfman’s Nick Viall. BTW, who knew Nick had a million brothers and sisters? Nick is so ready to find the one, like so ready. He thought he was ready before, but now this is for real. Of course, he has to sit down with some alumni of the franchise for “advice”. Fan favorites Ben Higgins and Sean Lowe are trotted out along with Chris Soules – not even his ex knows why he was invited. Best advice: Don’t tell two girls that you love them, Ben Higgins.
Time to meet the ladies via very staged intro packages. Rachel is civil litigation attorney which sets a new record for the maximum number of syllables allowed in a job title on The Bachelor. Raven owns a fashion boutique in Arkansas, loves to go mudding and was clearly cast when Luke Pell was the front runner for the next Bachelor. Corinne runs her family’s “internet” business while making her nanny (yes, nanny) bring her cucumbers. Taylor is a mental health specialist, still unclear if she’s a contestant or if she was hired for her services.
It’s finally arrival time and if there is one thing that is clear, it’s that Nick doesn’t have time for your corny bullshit. He’s been there, done that. I’ll hit the high notes: a girl rides in on a camel and makes a bad hump joke, a girl calls his last name gross, one runs up to him for a “runner up” punchline, one reveals she isn’t wearing panties, one makes him eat an uncooked hot dog, and of course the shark suit. We’ll get back to the shark suit in a second. There was a lot of red dresses and a lot of talk of his failed past, I bet he loved that.
Ok so let’s talk about Alexis aka shark girl aka dolphin girl. First of all, Alexis was already wasted before walking up to Nick. Second, she wore heels in addition to the shark costume that she sported (clearly a Katy Perry left shark costume). Finally, she is determined it’s a dolphin costume. She has gills and sharp teeth but no, she insists that she is a dolphin. You see Alexis wants to be a dolphin trainer or just a dolphin, whichever is easier. She even makes a dolphin noise. This is all we hear her say other than the phrase “I’m a fucking dolphin.” Yes she made it through the rose ceremony.
Aside from the dolphin/shark, Nick has plenty of other girls to keep him busy. Corinne (nanny) gives him a sack of tokens for god knows what and proceeds to take first kiss honors. She still hasn’t mentioned this nanny thing. Rachel and Vanessa make great impressions (front runner alert). Rachel gets the first impression rose, the first time in 21 seasons that a woman of color has received it – great for her, so sad that it took this long. And we have Liz. Liz knows Nick, she slept with him at Jade and Tanner’s wedding (I love that Jade and Tanner have become Bachelor celebrities). He asked for her number but she declined but then came on the show. Nick has some questions, like WTF. Liz doesn’t have great answers, she squeaks through but he doesn’t seem sold.
We began the night with 30 women and ended with 22. I know 5 names so we are right on track. The preview assures us that we are in for the most shocking season ever (you thought that in Chris Harrison’s voice). I hope you all are ready for another wild ride!