Mother’s Day Without Mom

We should’ve been at brunch today. I would’ve sent my mother flowers, bought her a card and gift and worn a dress to make her happy. That’s would should have happened today. 

Instead, I visited the cemetery with a vase a Cala Lillies and talked to the black granite. I listened to the last voicemail she ever left me and cried. 

She should be here. That is a fact. But, she’s not. I’m devastated, angry and heartbroken. However, today I am choosing gratitude over anguish. I’m so thankful that I had that 25 amazing years with her as my mother. I’m thankful for everything she taught me and the love she had for me. I’m going to tell you why she was such an amazing mother.

I was born a month early. A routine check up showed that my mother had toximia and had to deliver me via c-section. I spent ten days in the hospital, my mom walked from the hotel (insurance wouldn’t let her stay in the hospital) to the hospital every few hours to feed me until she could take me home.

When I was four, I decided that I didn’t want to wait until Christmas to open my gifts so I tore them open a week early. She bought me all new presents. I was spoiled, I know. 

Before I was old enough for an alarm clock she would walk in my room and sing my name to wake me up, always willing to give me 5 more minutes.

I begged for a brother or sister for years, not understanding that she couldn’t have any more children. She invited my best friend on every vacation so I would have someone to play with, usually paying her way.

I would sit in her room next to her vanity and watch her do her hair and make up. I closed my eyes and held my breath as she sprayed her hairspray. I never wanted to be far from her.

She indulged my obsession with horses. She took me to the Kentucky Horse Park, Equine Affaire, the Kentucky Oaks, BreyerFest, and Horse Camp. Then she volunteered with me at a horse rescue for a whole summer before buying me a horse, as well as two more.

She volunteered for school parties and field trips, even though she had chronic pain. She supported me through ballet, Girl Scouts, tap dance, volleyball, drama, and 4H. She also allowed me to quit all of these things when my interests veered to new territory.

She let me pick to go to college in Texas, no matter how much she didn’t want to lose me. When I asked her to come visit, she flew down. When I didn’t want her to leave, she conveniently missed her flight. When I called in tears and said I wanted to come home, she bought me a ticket on the next flight out.

We talked every single day. We weren’t just mother and daughter, we were best friends. We talked about everything from politics to reality TV to gossip to our dreams and fears. 

She taught me to believe in myself and to always choose kindness. I wouldn’t be who I am without her.

I’m so sad that she isn’t here with me. But I am so thankful for to her for giving me the world. 

Happy Mother’s Day to My Mother. I hope you’re having a mimosa in heaven. 

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