The Bachelorette: Bios and Predictions

 

(FRONT) MILTON, BRYCE, JEDIDIAH, JACK, FRED, IGGY, RACHEL LINDSAY, KYLE, JAMEY, MICHAEL, LEE, KENNY, BLAKE E.; (MIDDLE) MATTHEW, BRYAN, PETER, JOSIAH, DEAN, GRANT, KENNETH, BLAKE K., ERIC, ROBERT;
(BACK) JONATHAN, WILL, ADAM, DEMARIO, ALEX, MOHIT, LUCAS, ANTHONY, BRADY
Photo courtesy of abc.com

The Bachelorette is back y’all! Nick Viall may have given us a lackluster season of The Bachelor, but his season gave us great girls – including Rachel Lindsay. Aside from being a smart and funny attorney from Dallas, she is also the first African-American lead on the show. I am not going to pat ABC on the back for this because the show has been on 34 seasons and the fact that it has taken this long to have a lead that isn’t white is ridiculous. Rachel is an amazing choice for The Bachelorette and I am extremely excited to watch her on the show.

First off, Rachel is 32 and she obviously stated that she wanted a mature man because the low end of these men are 26-27 all the way up to 37. It is so nice to see a cast that isn’t filled with a bunch of 23 and 24-year-olds. Rachel also has a high-powered career as an attorney and the guys also seem to have some pretty impressive jobs. It isn’t 15 personal trainers “bro-ing” it out (no offensive to personal trainers). Rachel has standards, that is clear and I don’t think she is going to take any shit.

On to the men!

Adam

Adam, 27

Adam is a real-estate agent from Dallas. Interesting that he is from the same city as Rachel. He has the face of a real-estate agent – very white teeth. Red flag #1: his three favorite movies are Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, and Wolf on Wall Street. I mean who doesn’t love Micheal Bay action, Will Smith tugging at the heart-strings, and Leo DiCaprio with hookers and yachts? He does say a typical night for him includes late night tacos, to which I say “same.” He said his favorite actor is Jennifer Lawerence, ok cool. But his reasoning is that she is “every girl’s goal.” Ummm….excuse me? I love JLaw but my goal isn’t to be her. And the crowning achievement – the most romantic gift he received? A threesome. Boy, bye.

Prediction: Mid-pack. He’s attractive so he’ll slide through for a bit but I don’t think he has a lot in common with Rachel.

Alex.jpgAlex, 28

Alex is an Information Systems Supervisor who apparently appreciates volume in his hair. He says his 3 worst attributes are that he is unapologetic, unemotional, and selfish. Sounds like a great guy to date. He has eaten a live salamander and his favorite artist is The Rock. Is The Rock an artist? He has given a girlfriend a car once and says he treats his S.O. like a queen.

Prediction: Top 5. I don’t think Alex and Rachel have the same life goals but he is one of the more attractive guys in the bunch so I think he will make it pretty far. Physical attraction is a big factor.

Anthony2

Anthony, 26

Anthony is a software manager from Chicago. Rachel already dated a (former) software salesman, and we saw how that turned out. Anthony is smart. He is a Fulbright scholar and has traveled to Indonesia and the Ivory Coast. His favorite movies include Moonlight. He is looking for someone intelligent and funny.

Prediction: Top 3. Anthony is smart and driven, he seems to share the same values as Rachel. If he can stand out in the beginning, I think he has a real shot to go far this season.

Blake E.

Blake E., 31

Blake is “an aspiring drummer” from California. I don’t know if you should be an “aspiring” anything at 31, I really hope he has a real job. The most outrageous thing he has done is get engaged to a crazy girl. He also has weird tattoos. He also doesn’t think “parking ticket people” have souls.

Prediction: Goes home night 1. Ok maybe he makes it to week 2. But not much longer. I don’t see much for Rachel to go off of here.

Blake K.jpg

Blake K., 29

Blake is a Marine Vet. He also loves The Rock and Chipotle. His ideal woman is long? I don’t know what that means. He likes roses, go figure.

Prediction: Goes home night 1. Sorry Blake.

Brady.jpgBrady, 29

Brady is a male model from Miami. I guess he missed out on JoJo’s season, he looks like he’d be best friends with Robby. He hates Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore and he wishes he could be Channing Tatum.

Prediction: Mid-pack. There is no way in hell that Rachel is I picking him but I believe he will have a story arc to get him on Bachelor in Paradise to go after some Bachelor alums.

Bryan

Bryan, 37

Bryan is a chiropractor and he is at the older end of the spectrum of Rachel’s suitors. Bryan listed 7 attributes when asked what his best 3 attributes were, so he can’t count or is very egotistical. He loves sports and would be Bill Gates for a day if he could.

Prediction: Week 2 or 3. I think he’ll skate by but I don’t see anything super unique or interesting about him.

Bryce

Bryce, 30

I can’t with this guy. First of all, he has spock ears. Second, of all, he says things like “outrageous is realtive.” He is a firefighter but also caught a girl’s hair on fire during sex.

Prediction: Goes home night one. This guy is ridiculous.

Dean.jpg

Dean, 26

Dean is a startup recruiter who also has an upper lip tattoo. He believes marriage is an institutionalized sham but said that when he gets married it will be forever. So that is a bit confusing. He also says he wants to pursue a woman because nothing good comes easy. Dean also had the cringeworthy “going black and not going back” comment on After the Final Rose.

Prediction: Top 4. I think Dean is going to stir up some trouble. He is attractive and charming with some “interesting” opinions. I think he will be polarizing but Rachel will like him. I think he is a major player this season.

DeMario.jpg

DeMario, 30

DeMario is an Executive Recruiter from California. He is a self-proclaimed party-starter who loves Prince. He wants a lion named Denzel one day. The most romantic gift he has given were tickets to a Jay Z and Beyonce concert. He loves being a big brother and references Malcolm X.

Prediction: Winner. Just based on bios, he takes it for me. He is super attractive, funny, charismatic and intelligent. I think he and Rachel are going to hit it off and I could see them getting engaged.

Eric.jpg

Eric, 29

We have to have at least one personal trainer and Eric is it. He likes Tony Robbins and says he is the life of the party. He wants to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans (someone studied Rachel’s dates with Nick). His favorite drink is Green Drink?

Prediction: Top 6. Eric seems quirky and fun, so I can see Rachel connecting with him but I don’t see her ending up with a personal trainer.

Fred.jpg

Fred, 27

Fred is an Executive Assistant. He dresses like Carlton Banks. He also went to summer camp with Rachel, she was his counselor and he had a crush on her. He has two masters degrees that he achieved simultaneously. He says he sometimes gets excited at work, which is weird. And his biggest dating fear is his card getting declined.

Prediction: Week 3. I think Rachel will give him a chance but ultimatley I think she is going to think it is weird that she used to look after him at summer camp and I don’t think she will be able to move past it.

Grant.jpg

Grant, 29

Grant is an emergency room doctor. He once pooped in a Coke bottle, so there’s that. He also sang Ice Ice Baby at a Bar Mitzvah.

Prediction: Week 2. His humor will get him through first cuts but he doesn’t have a lot else going for him.

Iggy.jpg

Iggy, 30

His name is Iggy. But he is kind of adorable. His a Consulting Firm CEO. He is passionate, loyal and witty – which are his best and worst attributes? His favorite magazine is The Harvard Business Review, but is that really a magazine?

Prediction: Mid Pack. I think Iggy will be a loveable personality who gets along with the guys and will be seen again in Paradise. (Think Vinny)

Jack Stone.jpg

Jack Stone, 32

Jack Stone sounds like the name of the main character in a romance novel about an oil baron who is rough around the edges but has a heart of stone. Jack Stone also seems to be staring at me through the computer screen and I’m kind of scared. He is also an attorney from Dallas, go figure.

Prediction: Mid-pack. I feel like he has a story that we will see but I don’t think he will be a major player.

Jamey.jpg

Jamey, 32

Jamey has a tattoo on his shoulder that is being removed, I want to know that story. He also is a fan of Elon Musk. He doesn’t have female friends and says his ideal girl is a model. Gross.

Prediction: Mid-pack. I feel like we have our villain so he has to stick around to cause drama. I hope Rachel ends up throwing him out.

Jedidiah.jpg

Jedidiah, 35

Contrary to his name, Jedidiah is not Amish, he is an ER doctor. All of his former dogs were at least 1/2 wolf which is a little scary. Also, the producers missed a great opportunity to label him a “wolf-enthusiast.” He had sex on a glacier and built his parent’s 5,000 square foot log cabin in Montana.

Prediction: Goes home the first night. Sorry Jedidiah, I don’t think Rachel is into wolves.

Jonathan

Jonathan, 31

Jonathan is the tickle monster. I know the producers labeled him this but it still creeps me out. He has been divorced, so that could be a great story. He likes Elvis Presley, Britany Spears and Flo Rida – nice eclectic mix.

Prediction: Week 2. Just because I know she doesn’t get rid of a lot of them night one so he might be a hold over.

Josiah.jpg

Josiah, 28

Josiah is also an attorney, makes me curious if Rachel wants to marry another attorney? He lists his height as an attribute which I find strange. He is athletic and likes to be the center of attention. But he doesn’t like to dance.

Prediction: Middle of the pack. Josiah seems to be a pretty cool guy and this sounds crazy but I don’t think Rachel will pick a guy that doesn’t dance. She loves to dance!

Diggy.jpg

Diggy, 31

Diggy is a senior investment analyst. He also goes by Diggy. He likes to drink and go to “low key” bars. He also lists The Devil Wears Prada as one of his favorite movies. He did say that he faked sleep so he didn’t have to look for his one night stand’s missing brother.

Prediction: Top 4. I think Diggy is going to do well, I think he will get along with Rachel well.

Kenny.jpg

Kenny, 35

Kenny is a professional wrestler. He has a daughter and loves The Rock. The most romantic gift he has given is an Edible Arrangements….no comment. His favorite book is The New Jim Crow, great choice.

Prediction: Top 6. I like Kenny and I think he will be a fan favorite. I think Rachel will like him but ultimately friendzone him but I like his chances for The Bachelor or Paradise.

Kyle.jpg

Kyle, 26

Kyle is a Marketing Consultant (whoo Marketing!). Kyle doesn’t trust people, he has disdain for corrupt authority and can be blunt and outspoken. So I feel like he may fight someone. He doesn’t eat gluten but he doesn’t know what it is. He is a butt guy.

Prediction: Week 3. Long enough to piss off the other guys in the house and then exit.

Lee.jpg

Lee, 30

I need Lee to calm his hair down. Also, Lee is a singer/songwriter. Every season has one. He loves Matthew McConaughey and Scarface.

Prediction: Goes home night one. I’m over the singer/songwriter on the show to get gigs. At least James Taylor was kind of charming. I don’t think Rachel has any time for that.

Lucas.jpg

Lucas, 30

Lucas’s occupation is “waboom.” Ok great. He is an uncle to a cat and has an ant farm. He had a threesome at a wedding. His perfect woman is a combination of Disney princesses and Jessica Rabbit.

Prediction: Week 3. I really want him to go night one but I think the producers will keep him around for a bit for content.

Matt.jpg

Matt, 32

Matt is a Construction Sales Rep. He looks up to his parents, and would be Matt Lauer for a day if he could be. He coaches kids basketball and his worst date was a Tinder date.

Prediction: Top 4. Matt is hot, kind and intelligent. I think he will go far.

Michael.jpg

Michael, 26

Michael is a former professional basketball player. He has a scripture tattoo and would love to have lunch with former President Obama. He is confident and doesn’t need to be the center of attention.

Prediction: Final 2. Michael seems like the total package, I think he and Rachel will hit it off.

Milton.jpg

Milton, 31

Milton is a Hotel Recreation Supervisor, I imagine him running Jazzercize classes at a Sandals resort. He has a bottom lip tattoo and wants to be “discovered.” He doesn’t want to be seen as weak so he is hesitant to be romantic.

Prediction: Week 4. An “Is he here for the right reasons?” storyline and he’s out.

Mohit.jpgMohit, 26

Mohit is a product manager who also loves Elon Musk. He likes to dance, and he likes country and hip hop music (so original). He successfully referenced Seinfeld but also mentioned Tabasco sauce in the bedroom.

Prediction: Week 3. I bet he is pretty forgettable.

Peter.jpg

Peter, 31

Peter is a business owner. I also think that Peter probably looks better in person, this picture isn’t the best. He doesn’t like heights so he’ll probably have to bungee jump for a date. He used to be a model. He has completed three Iron Mans.

Prediction: Mid-Pack. I think he will get a ticket to Paradise.

 

Rob.jpg

Rob, 30

Rob is a law student, I’m interested in if he switched careers or if he’s been in school the whole time. He has traveled a lot and says he is driven, empathetic, and worldly. He wants a woman that will pursue him, wrong show buddy.

Prediction: Week 4. Seems like an interesting guy, but I don’t think he will ultimately connect with Rachel.

will.jpg

Will, 28

Will has traveled a lot and seems very smart. He likes Will Smith and The Shawshank Redemption. He won’t be anyone’s second choice and he can be shy at first in a relationship.

Prediction: Week 3. I like Will but I think his shyness might cause him to be overlooked, there are a lot of big personalities this season.

 

The Bachelor Recap Episode 3: As Long As Nick Loves Me

thebachelorepisode3

I’m sure you all were left in suspense after last week’s episode. Nick slept with Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding (in case you forgot) and kept avoiding discussing it with Liz until she finally confronted him. He handled it the way that any mature adult would, he rolled his eyes and ultimately sent her home. But he realizes that he is going to have to come clean about his prior relations to the ladies because Christen already knows and she will obviously tell everyone. So what will the girls do? Cry? Riot?

None of the above. The girls are impressed at his honesty and line up to pat him on the back for this behavior. And why not? I mean it’s one less girl to compete with. Except Corinne is not happy that someone has slept with Nick who was on the show and she hasn’t yet. Her first order of business at the cocktail party is to change that. She ditches her dress for a classic “I’m naked under here” trench coat and snags a can of Reddi-Whip. She leads Nick to the privacy of the driveway and insists that he lick whipped cream off of her boob. Jasmine walks by a few times before Nick puts in an end to the free show, and Corinne is devasted. So devastated that she sleeps through the rose ceremony. We say goodbye to three blondes that you won’t remember during the ceremony.

The next group date card reads “Everybody!” which is, of course, a Backstreet Boys reference. The boys crash the mansion to everyone’s delight, except for Corinne who is apparently too young to remember them. They get to learn a dance along with Nick to perform with the Backstreet Boys at their show that night. Corinne apparently sucks at “planned dancing” so she is pouting. The overachievers are Jasmine (who is an NBA dancer) and Danielle L. Danielle wins the challenge and gets to slow dance with Nick on stage.

At the after party, Corinne tries to explain her insecurities to Nick before mauling him. She also reveals that she has a nanny to the girls, without Raquel who would cut her cucumbers and make cheese pasta? Danielle gets the rose, looking very Andi Dorfman-esque.

The one-on-one date goes to Vanessa, and they get to go on a plane ride that mimics the feeling of being in space. Sounds awesome, except it involves a plane going up and down very quickly and poor Vanessa gets nauseous. But Nick is super sweet while she is throwing up and even kisses her after. It must be true love. He even cries at dinner so Vanessa is squarely in the lead here. Of course, she got the rose.

The second group date takes place at a high-school track with some well-known track and field Olympians. It’s a Nickathalon (get it?) and the girls must compete to get time with Nick in a hot tub. Astrid really needs a new sports bra and Rachel is kicking ass. Astrid wins, kinda but  Rachel gets the rose. Meanwhile, Dominique realizes that she isn’t getting any attention and is pretty peeved. She confronts Nick, and he agrees that he hasn’t noticed her and sends her home.

In lieu of a cocktail party, Nick elects to have a pool party, so the girls grab their lotion and bikinis and get to work. Corinne obviously has a plan, and it involves a bouncy castle. She lures him in there and basically dry humps him, and all the girls can see. The girls are pissed. Raven confronts Nick and drops the nanny bomb. Vanessa seconds Raven’s objection and clarifies that she is juding Nick, not Corinne. We leave the episode with the tension between Nick and the ladies, looks like he is going to have to make a decision about Corinne real soon.

-Lauren

The Bachelor Recap Episode 1: Dolphins in Red Dresses

nick1

2016 is over and we have a brand new Bachelor! And finally a Bachelor Fantasy League! (Join my league, Here for the Rose, password: Harrison).Ok, brand new isn’t the best term to describe good ole Nick Viall. In fact, he is a downright veteran of the franchise – making his FOURTH appearance on a Bachelor franchise show. You remember Nick, the seemingly smug guy who wore a variety of scarves and ousted his sexual encounter on After the Final Rose on Andi Dorfman’s season. Or as the guy who popped into Kaitlin’s season of the Bachelorette to be referred to as “the other guy” or my personal favorite “Viall’s gotta Vill”. And finally, how could we forget Nick on Bachelor in Paradise losing Amanda to evil Josh Murray and breaking Jen’s heart because he got a better offer? He’s back!

Love or hate Nick, we all knew this was going to be interesting. We start off with Nick listing off his faults and recounting his failed television relationships. But he’s a new man, his abs and beard prove it. This isn’t Andi Dorfman’s Nick Viall. BTW, who knew Nick had a million brothers and sisters? Nick is so ready to find the one, like so ready. He thought he was ready before, but now this is for real. Of course, he has to sit down with some alumni of the franchise for “advice”. Fan favorites Ben Higgins and Sean Lowe are trotted out along with Chris Soules – not even his ex knows why he was invited. Best advice: Don’t tell two girls that you love them, Ben Higgins.

Time to meet the ladies via very staged intro packages. Rachel is civil litigation attorney which sets a new record for the maximum number of syllables allowed in a job title on The Bachelor. Raven owns a fashion boutique in Arkansas, loves to go mudding and was clearly cast when Luke Pell was the front runner for the next Bachelor. Corinne runs her family’s “internet” business while making her nanny (yes, nanny) bring her cucumbers. Taylor is a mental health specialist, still unclear if she’s a contestant or if she was hired for her services.

It’s finally arrival time and if there is one thing that is clear, it’s that Nick doesn’t have time for your corny bullshit. He’s been there, done that. I’ll hit the high notes: a girl rides in on a camel and makes a bad hump joke, a girl calls his last name gross, one runs up to him for a “runner up” punchline, one reveals she isn’t wearing panties, one makes him eat an uncooked hot dog, and of course the shark suit. We’ll get back to the shark suit in a second. There was a lot of red dresses and a lot of talk of his failed past, I bet he loved that.

Ok so let’s talk about Alexis aka shark girl aka dolphin girl. First of all, Alexis was already wasted before walking up to Nick. Second, she wore heels in addition to the shark costume that she sported (clearly a Katy Perry left shark costume). Finally, she is determined it’s a dolphin costume. She has gills and sharp teeth but no, she insists that she is a dolphin. You see Alexis wants to be a dolphin trainer or just a dolphin, whichever is easier. She even makes a dolphin noise. This is all we hear her say other than the phrase “I’m a fucking dolphin.” Yes she made it through the rose ceremony.

Aside from the dolphin/shark, Nick has plenty of other girls to keep him busy. Corinne (nanny) gives him a sack of tokens for god knows what and proceeds to take first kiss honors. She still hasn’t mentioned this nanny thing. Rachel and Vanessa make great impressions (front runner alert). Rachel gets the first impression rose, the first time in 21 seasons that a woman of color has received it – great for her, so sad that it took this long. And we have Liz. Liz knows Nick, she slept with him at Jade and Tanner’s wedding (I love that Jade and Tanner have become Bachelor celebrities). He asked for her number but she declined but then came on the show. Nick has some questions, like WTF. Liz doesn’t have great answers, she squeaks through but he doesn’t seem sold.

We began the night with 30 women and ended with 22. I know 5 names so we are right on track. The preview assures us that we are in for the most shocking season ever (you thought that in Chris Harrison’s voice). I hope you all are ready for another wild ride!

 

-Lauren

The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Hop on a Knee

jojofinale

Well Bachelor Nation, we’ve reached the end of yet another journey. Jo Jo Fletcher put on her shiny $1k dress, stood in the center of some Pier One urns and choose between her two white former athletes and got a jumbo Neil Lane ring out of it. In a shock to no one, Jo Jo picked former NFL back-up (think third, fourth string) Quarterback Jordan Rogers. But we sat through two agonizing hours before that reveal and then another hour of “After the Final Rose” about the happy* couple.

Back to Thailand, JoJo has to introduce her two remaining suitors to her family. If you watched Ben’s season you know that JoJo’s mom is the best thing about her and her brothers are the worst. The brothers sadly kept mostly quiet this time around, but mom was back on it, with crazy hair and plenty of wine. Jordan is first to meet the fam, and this is big because last week he was very adamant about how important it was that he get’s JoJo’s dad’s permission to get on a knee. Because everyone knows that a proposal without the girl’s father’s permission is null and void. He breaks the ice by giving everyone silly hats, sadly no cheese heads.

He talks to JoJo’s mom and his charisma seems to allude that he knows he has this in the bag. But momma warns that Jordan is a social butterfly and maybe that’s too much in one relationship. When Jordan sits down with dad he does not ask for permission to marry JoJo, which is expertly cut with JoJo saying she wishes she could be there when he asks because she knows he will. Jordan takes off with JoJo yelling after him how great it all went, wishful thinking.

Robby is up next with a sunburnt chest and a ton of flowers. He immediately throws it out how much he loves JoJo and wants to protect her. Also, he was the first one to tell her that he loved her so he should win. Momma informs him that JoJo is a princess, he needs to make her a queen. This explains so much of the unrealistic expectations she has. He asks both the parents for permission to marry JoJo, and they can’t say yes fast enough. After he leaves the family makes it official, they are #TeamRobby. But JoJo doesn’t quite like that and starts to sob, she says she’s confused but it is clear that she really wants Jordan. In this argument her parents let it slip that Jordan didn’t ask permission to propose. Dun dun dun.

Robby has his last date with JoJo on the beach. She asks what life would be like when it was all over and we got a very elaborate tale of burning meatloaf and kids and pizza. JoJo seems all in for some burnt meatloaf that the kids don’t want anyway. Robby pours out his little plastic heart and gives JoJo some pictures that he got off of the producers which chronicles their televised love story. Doesn’t he know that a gift on the last night is the kiss of death?

Jordan is up next and they go canoeing through some rocks. JoJo tells him that she is disappointed that he didn’t ask for her dad’s permission to marry her. Jordan tries to lay it on the fact that he doesn’t know if she would accept, but JoJo ain’t buying it. He apologizes, says he loves her and wants to marry her.

The next day both men make a trip to see the master of love himself, Neil Lane. Robby picks the most god-awful gaudy ring so Jordan wins this round. Jordan also decides that he has to call JoJo’s dad. He gets permission from both parents to propose and he is ready to gel his hair for the event. Both men write JoJo a letter about how much they love her which reduces her to tears, shocking.

JoJo greets Robby, letting him tell her how much he loves her before she stops him. She can’t let him get down on one knee (propose seems to be a four letter word on this show) because she must dump him. She tells him that she wanted it to be him but it just isn’t, because you know she has no control over her own thoughts. She says that she did love him but she loves Jordan more. Ouch.

Jordan rolls up, tells JoJo he loves her and she reciprocates and lets him hop on a knee and propose. Tears and happiness and kissing, blah blah. And the live show is the definition of awkward as JoJo finally appears in an unflattering dress, Chad pitches himself for the Bachelor, and the happy couple looks less than happy. Good luck kids. Calling this a Bachelor Breakup within the next year. Sorry JoJo.

What will we do now that it’s over? Oh yeah, Bachelor in Paradise begins tonight.

img_8579

 

 

The Bachelor Episode 11 Recap: The Men Tell All

tellall

My favorite two hours of “who the heck is that guy?” was back last Tuesday for the Men Tell All. We got all sorts of fun stuff including Chad, The Garden, Vinny’s Mom, and Paradise. I’m just going to hit some highlights because there is so much filler in this show.

Paradise. After The Bachelorette ends, we have the summer train wreck also known as Bachelor in Paradise. The preview for this year’s edition brings Chad, Lace, Jubilee, the Twins, and Nick Viall to name a few. Obviously, all of these are people who can handle the spotlight very well. Sadly it looks like Wells also joins the cast, permanently marking him off the list for the next Bachelor. It also looks like he goes after Ashley I, no comment. And in a shock to no one, Chad seems to be forcibly removed from the island. Yep, paradise.

Chad: All of the men come out and sit together except for Chad. There are multiple cut aways to him in his own trailer eating slices of meat and being walked to the studio by a security officer (who I bet is just a random guy who works for ABC). He even whistles on his way in. He goes back to attacking Evan, Alex, Derek, anyone possible. He even calls out Grant and Robby (though he isn’t there) for leaving their girlfriends for the show, he has gone out and found their exes. Nick B, some guy no one remembers tries to fight him. Wells tries to play psychologist but the Chad man isn’t having it.

Luke: Luke passes his entrance exam to be the next Bachelor with flying colors. He was so torn up but he loved JoJo and yes he is ready to love again. Look forward to much more Luke and his love of plaid shirts.

The Garden: Apparently there was a certain room in the mansion where all the guys in it seemed to always get roses (for a few weeks anyway) so they named it the Garden. Then they gave each other flower names: sunflower, daisy etc. These happen to be the “macho men” in the house who didn’t let anyone have feelings.

Vinny’s Mom: When JoJo came out on her apology tour to Luke and Chase she was interrupted by an audience member who wanted to know why she didn’t pick the best guy, her son Vinny. Vinny is living in a hole from now on.

And tonight, the three-hour finale. Who will JoJo pick? Jordan. She’s liked him since day one, I’m going with Mr. Rogers.

img_8579

 

 

The Bachelorette Episode 10 Recap: Country Clubs & Coloring Books

chase

Yes, yes I am horrible at getting these recaps written. Hopefully, I’ll do better in time. But I am getting these in before tonight’s finale. Can you believe that we already are at the finale? JoJo is about to possibly become engaged to a white former athlete with ridiculously voluminous hair. So much drama and suspense.

But before she cut her suitors down to two, she had four. When we left JoJo she was crouching and crying on the tarmac of an airport trying to decide if she should send Luke home. Even though he pulls her aside to finally tell her that he loves her, JoJo tells him to GTFO. Luke looks like he has been electrocuted, his eyes get wide and his mouth gapes open in disbelief. He has read up on his romance novels and he knows that he is supposed to ride off into the sunset with JoJo. There are many tears but Luke is no more, look forward to him as The Bachelor next season, I’m calling it now.

After the commercial break, the rest of the crew is magically transported to Thailand. As Jordan, Chase, and Robby know, Thailand is the PERFECT place to fall in love. Robby’s overnight date is first. He is driven up in a cart and that throws JoJo off enough that she doesn’t recognize him, so things are going well. I don’t remember what happens on the date but she does invite him to the fantasy suite, he starts calling her Joelle and we have plenty of innuendo in the morning after breakfast.

Then it’s Jordan. JoJo has all the tough questions for Jordan. Where does he see his career taking him? She is worried that he is going to travel a lot and long distance does not work for her. He says that without a home base (or as we like to call it, unemployment) that he can go wherever he wants. Jo Jo wants to know about down the road, he has no answer to that one. But off to the fantasy suite all the same and another morning after breakfast.

Last is Chase, who no one can believe is still around. He gained a personality and is very lively with JoJo. He even steals a fish, kisses it and puts it back in this market, nice one. When they take their break to prepare for dinner, Chase is playing with sand on the beach and Robby pops in on JoJo. He wants country clubs and coloring books like they talked about, you know the simple things. JoJo makes out with him before making him leave. She gives the fantasy card to Chase, but when he says he loves her she excuses herself to cry and then breaks it off. In the most likeable moment with Chase he angrily asks her why she would give him the card and accuses her of a blindside. With that, he chugs his prosecco and gets in his van that he calls “his fantasy suite”.

The rose ceremony must go on because we haven’t seen enough of Chris Harrison. So he interrogates the guys before JoJo comes in to announce that Chase is gone. Except, he isn’t. Chase pops up in a perfectly coordinated outfit to the other guys and pulls JoJo away. He apologizes for his outburst and says he didn’t want to leave it like that. He’s proud of her and he exits stage left. In a shock to no one Jordan and Robby both accept their roses. We are down to the final two!

img_8579

The Bachelorette Recap Episode 9: Where is Aaron Rogers?

It’s hometowns!!! The hometown dates on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are traditionally when things start getting “real”. As real as a reality show that’s heavily produced can be of course. It turns contestants with seemingly no flaws, into quickly dumped when their families mess up their image. For example, JoJo’s brothers attacked Ben and seemed creepily close to their sister and her ex tried to creep back in via flowers. The hometown dates can change it all.

First we head to Colorado to see Chase’s family. Chase has no emotion because his parents got a divorce and it has left him horribly damaged. And this is the most we’ve learned about Chase all season. His parents can’t even be in the same room so his dad comes over during the day to meet JoJo separately. About ten minutes into the convo, Chase straight up asks his dad why his mom, sister and him weren’t good enough for him to stay around. JoJo wants to crawl away and I can’t blame her. Dad sidesteps the question but he thinks JoJo is awesome so it’s all good.

Later they head to Chase’s mom’s house which most importantly includes a French bulldog. Chase’s mom and sister both share that Chase took the divorce really hard (because that needed to be reiterated). Apparently he hasn’t said “I love you” before, so that’s a great sign. But JoJo loves that she finally has something to “fix” about Chase.

Next up is Jordan! Jordan is from Chico, California. A west-coast source tells me that it’s the armpit of California so there’s that. We already know Aaron won’t be in attendance but that just means they’ll spend most of the date discussing him. JoJo sees deer and is ensnared by the wildlife. Off to a good start. Jordan takes her to his high school because of course he does.

He’s high-diving his old coaches and showing her pictures of him on the wall that they obviously put there just for this date. JoJo spies a photo of Aaron and points it out, you can see the disgust on Jordan’s face. She asks if she should bring it up at dinner, he says no, so of course she will. At the house, JoJo meets the parents, Luke his brother with his girlfriend, and two empty chairs to represent Aaron and Olivia. JoJo of course asks Luke about Aaron, which results in the same response Jordan gave. They would rather ignore their Super Bowl winning bro. Jordan’s mom called him spicy and apparently he would threaten to run away a lot. Jordan drops the l-word and we leave the Rogers clan sans Aaron.

Next up is Robby, who is from Florida of course. He gives JoJo a carriage tour of St. Augustine in a true tour guide fashion. Robby has some super creepy teenage brothers who think JoJo is super hot. His dad also goes by “Coach” so she should run. But while JoJo has a heart to heart with Robby’s sisters, his mother provides some usual info. According to mom, his ex-girlfriend’s roommate is claiming that Robby left his ex to go on the show. From all the social media exposure we know that it’s pretty much true. But Robby talks his way around it by saying things like “it was over nine months before we ended it” and “she slapped me and I haven’t talked to her since”. What a winner. JoJo decides to buy it for the time being.

Last up is Luke. We can call this next segment “Luke’s Bachelor Audition”. Luke is from Texas. So while dressed in a red plaid shirt he brings JoJo to a party in a field with the whole town. Everyone loves Luke and his dad even wears a cowboy hat. He also thinks JoJo is a hottie in her cutoffs and boots so it’s meant to be. Luke says he has a surprise and whisks JoJo away on horseback to a couch made out of hay bales. Nice job Bachelor Interns. On the couch Luke pours out his heart but is missing the three magic words. But there’s one more surprise. He leads her down a candlelit path to a heart made of flowers. Perfect time to drop the ILY, but nope.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony which takes place in an airplane hanger. JoJo is smokin hot in a bright blue dress and apparently is ready to send Luke home because he still hasn’t told her that he loves her. But magically Luke realizes he must tell her not that a producer pulled him aside or anything. So he asks to talk to JoJo and he drops the l word. Which leaves JoJo in complete confusion, and tears, lots of tears. What will she do? We’ll have to wait to find out.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: I’m your Goocho

Where did the week go you guys? I swear it was just Monday two days ago and here I am scrambling to get last week’s review up before tonight’s episode! I need to be more on it, obviously!

Ok so we are still in Argentina and JoJo has six men- Alex, Chase, James Taylor, Jordan, Luke, and Robby. If she would have gone through with her rose ceremony last week then she’d have five guys but she said she needed more time with Alex and James and couldn’t send one home, we’ll see how that works out for both of them on this episode. 

Road trip date! I guess the Bachelor producers liked when they threw Kaitlyn and Jared in a car and called it a date because they did it again. Alex gets to ride with JoJo to a new location in Argentina while the guys have to ride a bus. The guys wish they were with JoJo but one look at this date and I’d rather be on the bus. 

JoJo has to keep telling Alex to be normal. Apparently normal for him is doing a duck face with Pringles and still getting denied a kiss. They seem super awkward and bored and it’s quite painful to watch. Luckily they arrive at a ranch to be “gauchos” – no not like the pants. They dress Alex up like some sort of mid-century French matador and JoJo can’t resist but call him “little”. Oops. After riding horses poorly, they watch a Horse Whisperer-esque display sans Robert Redford. With the horse laying on the ground they spoon with it and Alex tells JoJo he is her “Goocho”. 

By dinner time, Alex is sure he has this on lock. There isn’t a rose on this date but he so wishes there was because he’d totally get it. Be careful what you wish for bro. JoJo decides that she just doesn’t feel it and finally lets Alex go. But I’m sure he’s glad he got to stay an extra week for this.

Next up is a date with JoJo’s main man Jordan. They get to stomp grapes at a vineyard and drink their feet wine. Yum. But when it’s time to get down to business, Jordan reveals a true game changer. He doesn’t have a relationship with his superstar QB brother Aaron Rogers. Which more importantly means no Olivia Munn! Shots are fired when Jordan claims that he chose to stay close to his family, implying that Aaron didn’t. Ready for that drama!

The next date is supposed to be a group date with Robby, James Taylor and Chase. But it rains and the producers aren’t feeling productive so they have the guys hang with JoJo in her hotel. There they do fun stuff like dare James to stuff as many fries in his mouth as he can and Robby runs down the hall in his underwear. James once again tries to stay relevant by calling out Robby for catcalling women. But JoJo don’t care. That’s enough of that.

Luke and JoJo go on a one-on-one where he gets to be a super cowboy and she still thinks he’s super hot, in case you were worried about that.

In a shock to no one but James Taylor, JoJo skips the cocktail party and sends him home. So we have Chase, Robby Jordan, and Luke going into hometowns.

The Bachelorette Recap Episode 6: Don’t Cry for JoJo


Well ABC threw me a bone this week by airing a rerun on July 4th which allows my blog to be almost two weeks late….oops😦. But we are still waiting for episode 7 so I can still recap episode 6, it’s totally fine.

JoJo and her boys landed in Argentina, and guess what? The men don’t understand how to speak Spanish. Oh and also, it’s the perfect place to fall in love 😍. I know right? This week JoJo has a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. This is important because usually you only get one of those a season and we already had the Alex/Chad showdown. 

Wells gets the one-on-one date finally and the date card mentions kissing in Spanish. Why is that? Wells hasn’t kissed JoJo yet and apparently he’s the only one who hasn’t. Cue the eighth grade boys in the room who tease him like its middle school. When JoJo comes to pick him up Chase even slips in a “Are you guys going to kiss?” remark. So mature. 

JoJo and Wells are off to a famous Argentinan show? It’s “performance art” and looks super awkward. Oh and it is. All their interviews focus on if they are going to kiss. The suspense is deafening. They finally do while rolling around in water and JoJo literally throws herself on him. Finally the adorable perfect Wells gets a kiss. All is good, right?

At dinner JoJo of course asks about his ex mostly so she can talk about her ex, Ben. Have you heard of him? Wells explains that he was with his ex for awhile and they just fell out of love. That doesn’t go over well with JoJo. She needs to be adored forever and not have any fear that the magic might wear off. So after kissing Wells, she dumps Wells. As America cries, JoJo attends the weird performance art alone and wonders if she will find her husband, on a show where the goal is to find her husband.

The group date is everyone except for Chase and Derek. And guess what, Chade is taking this two-on-one date very seriously. No laughing Derek. The rest of the guys head out to get cultured by walking down a street with JoJo. In clearly planned endeavor they play soccer with some locals. It turns to a competition that whoever can make a penalty kick past the goalie can kiss JoJo. And no they didn’t ask her.

Robby tries to pay off the goalie. James T is feeling overwhelmed and is the only one who makes the goal. Then they carry JoJo out on their shoulders, like a trophy. At the after party, she makes our with Luke. And James tells her that Jordan cheats at Poker. Jordan says he doesn’t and the James/Jordan bromance has ended. JoJo gives the Rose to Luke because he is less drama.

It’s the two-on-one. Derek and Chade get to tango with JoJo so we can literally see her pulled between two men to drive the metaphor home. Derek is confident, Chase has no emotion. Derek tells her he’s falling for her, which she appreciates. She pushes Chase to say how he feels he gives in and says he is falling for her so giving into pressure gets him the Rose. Poor Derek cries in the limo and is intercut with a rendetion of “Donr cry for me Argentina”. I wish I was kidding.

That leaves the Rose ceremony. It’s down to Alex and James when she runs off because she can’t give out the Rose. So they both go? No. They stay. Alex didn’t want a pity Rose but he isn’t leaving either.

In conclusion we are without the two best guys, Wells and Derek and JoJo likes hyper-masculine men.

The Bachelorette Recap Episode 5: Chad, Chad the Ex, Chad 2.0

Somehow we survived the week off without The Bachelorette. Finally, the NBA Finals are over and we will no longer be rudely interrupted by sports. In case you somehow forgot, when we last checked in with JoJo and her suitors, she had just given Chad the boot. Instead of getting into the black SUV to do his exit interview, Chad is meandering through the dark woods while whistling like a psychopath. We pick up at the house where the guys are celebrating his demise. After a round of Fireball shots they have funeral for his protein powder. I’m not kidding. Wells puts his creativity to work as he eulogizes Chad as the worst person he’s ever met. All the guys take a handful of protein powder and throw it in the air and then Wells drop kicks the tub into the woods. But there is a knock on the door. And of course it’s Chad. The guys know that if he finds out what they did to his protein powder, he is going to be pissed. It’s fine, just don’t open the door. Except dumb Daniel, Mussolini Daniel, opens the door. He asks Chad how his date went, because you know small talk. Chad tells them that Alex sold him out and once again explains that violence is the only answer to solve problems and he just doesn’t understand why the guys don’t get that. Evan still wants his damn shirt, but don’t worry a Kickstarter has raised $50 for Evan’s shirt so all is good. Jordan shakes his hand and Chad attempts to break it? But all in all it’s pretty tame and Chad goes spinning out the door and right into Bachelor in Paradise. Oh yes. You knew that wasn’t the end of Chad.

When Alex returns he is given a hero’s welcome. They cheer, pick him up, smash cupcakes in his face and light sparklers inside a house. Grant the firefighter, I’m appalled. I’m sure this won’t give Alex a big head or a hero complex or anything. I’m sure he totally realizes the absurdity…right? Well believe it or not it’s Rose Ceremony Time. And the guys quickly realize that without the common enemy of Chad, they will start turning on each other. Guys with roses keep stealing JoJo from guys without roses. Evan whines. A lot. Jordan shoves her against a wall, shoving his tongue down her throat with all the guys on the other side of the wall. James F (yeah I don’t know who he is either) reads her a horrific poem and finally it is rose time. This time Daniel and James F get the boot. Daniel says she must have decided based on personality because he has none but he has a great body. He also says that he had a better chance of being hit by lightning while shaving his face rather than JoJo falling in love with him. Well it’s time to get out of Pennsylvania, Thank God.  And next up is Uruguay. That’s in South America, just so we’re all clear. And none of the guys know what Uruguay is.

When they arrive, Jordan is given the first one-on-one date. Because of this one fact, the guys decide that he is shady and isn’t here for the right reasons. How do they know, they just know. On the date they go play with some seals and make out on a boat. Back at the house Vinny is cutting hair, which is frightening. Magically the guys get ahold of In Touch Weekly which has an exclusive with JoJo’s ex, Chad. The contestants on The Bachelor and Bachelorette are stripped of all phones, computers, books, magazines, and newspapers. So this just popping up was clearly a producer plant. In the article Chad claims that JoJo is still in love with him, she went back to him after Ben dumped her and was only on the show to get publicity. And with a credible source like In Touch, you have to believe it of course. Suddenly all the guys aren’t quite sure if JoJo is there for them.

Back on the date JoJo has her own questions about Jordan’s ex. She ran into her before the show (there is a lot of speculation on how she met her) and spoke to her about Jordan. She claims he “wasn’t a very good boyfriend” as JoJo called it. Jordan looks like he is about to vomit. He explains that he wasn’t the best boyfriend because he was so focused on his career. He claims he didn’t “physically cheat” and says he will do better and that is more than enough for JoJo. In a shock to no one, Jordan gets the rose.J

Back at the house the guys fill Jordan in on the magazine article. JoJo is in her interview when a producer hands her the magazine. She first tries to shove it off in perfect celebrity form but the producer is insistent. He/she says the guys have seen it and they are upset. JoJo reads it and immediately breaks into tears and begins yelling about how much she hates him.

She goes to the guys’ hotel room and cries some more giving some sort of explanation that we don’t hear. All the guys immediately back off their suspicions because you know tears are no match for these men. In conclusion, don’t name your child Chad.

The next day is the group date, and it’s sand boarding. Everyone sucks at it but luckily it starts to rain so they can get inside and actually talk. Derek pulls JoJo aside and says he would like some reassurance, it had been a long time since their one-on-one date and he hadn’t been able to spend much time with her. She gives him the group date rose and says it’s because she wants him to have reassurance. Well Alex loses it over this. He can’t believe Derek would be a “sensitive little bitch” and if he doesn’t get a rose because Derek got a “pity rose” it would be stupid.

Back at the house Alex is relentless on Derek. Chase joins in on how JoJo doesn’t want an insecure guy, because you know they know what she wants. The other one-on-one date goes to Robby. Robby has some bright clothes and some bright swimming trunks. They do some cliff jumping and Robby tells JoJo he loves her. Week 5, firs one on one. JoJo gives him a “thank you, that’s so sweet” code word: no. We also get Robby’s past story. His childhood best friend was killed in a car accident last year and that made him realize life is short (blah, blah) so he quit his job, moved, and broke up with his girlfriend. It may sound romantic, but word on Twitter is that he actually broke up with this girlfriend by ghosting as he went to be on The Bachelorette. So there’s that. He gets the rose.

Before the rose ceremony Derek pulls aside the guys that are ganging up on him, including Alex to ask them nicely to lay off. They angrily tell him that he is wasting their time to be with JoJo, which is false because she isn’t there. It feels like Chad is back, in the form of Alex as the continue to belittle Derek on his sensitivity.

Chris announces that there will not be a cocktail party and JoJo knows who she wants. This week she lets go of Evan and Vinny. Bye bad haircuts and bloody noses.

 

Until Next Time….

img_8579